how did i get here?

Have you ever asked yourself, "How did I get here?"?

I actually never thought I would be in this situation. I had resigned myself to the fact that something would go horribly wrong. I haven't posted because I was using all of my strength to ensure that I stayed positive. It's sometimes more difficult to stay positive when you can write anything you want.

I stayed positive. I prayed and went to church, something I wasn't inclined to do before this whole journey began.

And now I have wonderful and exciting and terrible and scary news. All my fighting and praying and OCD obsession with the number 3 and here I am pregnant with triplets. 6w4d. All three had heartbeats. All three up on that screen and the doctor was not happy.

The risks are great. The risks are so great that I had to make a specialist appointment immediately following the ultrasound. I ruined that moment for my husband. That moment where he could scream at the top of his lungs that this had finally worked and we were having babies!!! I was absolutely distraught and scared and angry at myself. I was all that before I was happy.

I do not know what the future holds for us at this point in time, but I chose to be elated. The rest of this will all work itself out...right? I change my mind minute to minute as to how we will proceed.

The Talking Heads said, "You may ask yourself, am I right, am I wrong? You may say to yourself, my god, what have I done?"


it all comes down to nothing

Maybe you have heard the saying that science can only go so far and then it is up to God. I have been reawakened spiritually lately and feel that that statement is rather important to my matters at hand.

Science is up against me. It is not my friend. Never has been, never will be.

When the doctor said you don't have a fertility problem, it's your husband, I was shocked. It had to be me. I mean in my life there has never been a time when it wasn't me. It seemed too good to be true, but I was elated. Our chances were much better because the problem didn't have to do with me.

I spoke too soon. I should have known better. Science is not my friend. I was first a miscarrier, then a poor responder, then a pre-menopausal 29 year old. Our odds went from 65% to less than 15% in a matter of months.

I started to become a health nut in between IVF cycles. I am doing a ton of nutritional things, but also walking. I walk a lot. It's a great stress relief and some quiet time just to me.

So I was walking the afternoon after hearing about our "odds" from the doctor. I was contemplating so many things. Donor eggs and adoption, but none of the options seem right for me right now. I just didn't feel ready to give up and at the same time didn't feel ready to keep going either. It was difficult. All of this and the cycle wasn't even over yet...I hadn't even had my retrieval.

So I'm walking and that saying, "Science can only go so far. After that it's God." popped into my head. How apropos? I told my husband the saying, leaving out the God because God doesn't sit so easy with him, I forget what I replaced it with, but I implied some greater being. He said you're right. They don't know everything.

Science isn't my friend. But odds, odds I can work with...especially if I got God on my side.

So I have hope and I dream. I name my children (there are potentially three inside right now, but I have only gotten around to dreaming about one...afterall I don't want to be greedy). I paint their bedroom and pick out clothes in my mind. It's a nice dream.

Dave Matthews sings, "It all comes down to nothing...we can't do a thing." I have my beta on Monday, but I've made it that far already. Still, I can hope and pray and dream some more. I have God on my side whichever way it goes. There is a reason for the journey.

It all comes down to nothing and there are miles to go before we sleep.