...candice lost and found...

When trying to become pregnant when you are a normal girl, there is a certain amount of anxiety each month. A wondering and hoping feeling. When trying to become pregnant while having some sort of fertility issue, it is as though you are walking on hot coals that are at the same time spitting hot fire on your face...and oh yeah you have to do the tango...backwards. The problem really isn't that you have problems getting pregnant and therefore are more anxious. No the problem is that you are so attune with what is going on in your body that you actually are aware of things far too early and then have to tango longer than a person who is "normal". I just went through the beta tango. First beta 35...low, but not as low as it could be. Should be 50. Closer to 50 than 0. I am hoping for the good. Just need it to double. Second beta 39. Looks bad...move on. Only you don't move on right away. You are hurt and sad. You were close but lost. It just stinks. Then you want ...

Sitting inside the IVF clinic is not unlike sitting inside the jungle (or any other territorial land the Discovery channel would do a special on). A bunch of women (sometimes dudes who look so uncomfortable, poor guys) sitting around sizing one another up. It's really strange actually. While they are sizing you up, they are also sympathizing, empathizing and really care about what happens to you...they just hope their outcome is not affected by it. I am 100% guilty of doing this and know that I cannot be the only one. I will admit that maybe I am part of the sick and twisted minority, but still I am not standing here alone, thank you very much. So here it goes... When doing IVF you roughly spend about 98 mornings (it's probably more like 15) at the clinic. They herd in a bunch of you...in my case 22 and you sit and wait for blood work and then an ultrasound. You check ages, weights, and some other various body-language psychological factors that you make up in your head and...

Finding out you are pregnant is a bittersweet experience. It is, especially for someone like me who has been trying with little success, an amazing, giddy, highly exciting experience. You also start worrying. First you start reading about everything, will I miscarry, will I have a blood clot, could it be ectopic....and the list goes on. After a few days of this you realize that you will worry about this tiny little creature from now until the end of time. It doesn't stop. After you pass certain phases and get beyond certain risks, there will be new risks and new phases. It is an endless cycle that does not cease. IVF is a different boat. You begin your worrying prior to even being told that you are expecting. There are the needles...are you doing them right? There are appointments...all girls sitting in the waiting room for the same thing...where do you rank up among them? You are sitting, waiting, wishing for someone to tell you, you are indeed pregnant so that you can begin to ...

There's a song by Sublime, which I believe is a cover, but either way the lyrics are... I was always taught that boy meets girl, fall in love get married and forget the world. Nine months later, the sweet baby's on the way. Kiss 'em on the check and life's ok. I get these lyrics...they are exactly how I envisioned life to be. But hindsight is 20/20 and life isn't always what it seems and sometimes life isn't ok. In November 2009, one year and one month after we had gotten married, Mike said, "So when do you want to start having kids?" This from man who had always said he didn't think he wanted any. I was flabbergasted. "Now," I said. For days after I wondered and wondered if we should be having kids, if we would be good parents, if our lives would change. Basically, I scared the crap out of myself. I told him that he had said exactly what I wanted him to and it began to terrify me. It's that old adage, be careful what you wish for...