...candice lost and found...

Spent the past few weeks being more lost than ever. Being more overwhelmed and underwhelmed simultaneously. I have done so much self reflection and introspection and haven't quite gotten to "found" but have gotten to a more peaceful head space. The girls turned 5...5! Where did all of that time go? Wasn't I supposed to be making memories that would last a lifetime? How is it possible that they could be so blurry? I'm sure it's somewhere in my brain but hiding for that last "big show" just before you kick it. Hopefully someday I will remember it all with clarity, but I'm not sure I would take the over or under on it. Life is complicated that way. I remember my 5th birthday. I wore a pink lace and ruffled party dress with matching purse. It was very 80s and I loved it. I got a swing set as my present and the way I remember it, it was delivered to my backyard birthday party. A boy that I liked was there and I can't really remember him but I ...

On Friday, my three beautiful baby girls will be one. I cannot believe a year has flown away so quickly. Everyone said that the time would pass so fast, but I just cannot believe how fast it really has gone. When I was pregnant and trying to figure out what to expect, what to buy, what kinds of things I would be in for, there wasn't really anyone who could have prepared me. Even the triplet moms that offered up some advice couldn't have prepared me. Each one of us (singleton moms, twin moms, etc.) are going to handle this whole adventure differently, it's the nature of being human, it's also very dependent on the type of children you have. If I could go back in time and tell myself some things here is what they would be... Go out and buy more bibs...the realistic kind...the kind that don't have applique or any other froofy stuff. The bigger the better...you will need them...I promise. Get the bumpers. It doesn't matter if they match, but eventually you will...

It's amazing to think that the girls are just about at 8.5 months old. Their smiling faces and laughter are just about the best parts of my day. I imagine that most parents are overwhelming in love with their children, but I like to think that my love for those little girls transcends all human thinking. I am a completely different person now. The person who started the infertility journey is long gone. She has been replaced with someone different. I like to think that the three ladies growing inside me left their imprint on my soul and changed me forever. I believe that they have. I am more patient and respectful than I was previously. I am calmer about certain things and more neurotic about others. I am very easily distracted and very very forgetful. I am a mom. I am saying this to lead into a totally unrelated, but semi-related discussion. It involves my previous post, the one about the blogger who publicly announced her reduction. I broke down and read her blog. Not all o...

I feel safe enough to say that I have not blogged at all, not because having triplets is too time consuming (though at times it is), but because I have really just been lazy. I don't want to bore you with all the details leading up to us delivering the girls, but I had HELLP and pre-e and they just needed to be here. I was 33 weeks 4 days and it was my grandfather's birthday. After their delivery my brother saw a double rainbow in the sky...though somewhere I am sure there was a third. I may be biased, but I delivered three miracle angels. I believe this even when they are on their third hour of crying, at 2 am when they wake crying for a pacifier, when I really have to pee and can't. I believe this every morning when I wake up and every night when I go to sleep. They are the best things that have ever happened to Michael and me. I cannot imagine our life without them. Some days I find the triplet mom community to be excluding. Some days so helpful. I often found the ...

Here I am at 30 weeks 3 days. I cannot believe I have made it this far! Bed rest definitely got easier when we reached viability. I feel safer every week that passes and really just can't wait to meet our girls. Pregnancy has really mellowed me out and I am hoping that once the girls get here, I can maintain this sense of cool. Michael and I discuss it each day. How we are a team and we need to go into this with the team mentality. We have been through so much together that raising triplet girls isn't going to be the thing that tears us down, but the thing that builds us up to another level of marriage, coupledom, friendship and love. It is uncomfortable at this point in the pregnancy. My whole body feels sore and I am sure part of that is due to the inability to do much. I am not a small girl either. I am 5'10" with a solid frame (ie, I am built like a linebacker). I cannot imagine the girls who do this who are short and petite. But, as the doctor says, it is a mara...

I keep trying to remind myself that this is a marathon and not a sprint, but I honest think at this point, most pregnant with triplets would be willing the time to go faster (and without complications). I had two bouts of heavy contractions over the Thanksgiving holiday weekend. Thursday (of course I had to bother the doctor on the holiday itself) and then on Saturday. I was so grateful that the Procardia kicked in and I didn't have to go to the hospital for poking and prodding! At this morning's doctor visit all three babies had great heartbeats and I was measuring at about 8 months pregnant. We have reached viability which is crucial though I still want my girls to continue baking for a while longer. I also had my steroid shots over the weekend so their lungs will start to develop more rapidly, just in case they decide to come early. Fingers crossed that they don't! In the beginning, maybe my second MFM visit, the doctor said the first goal would be 20 weeks, then 24 ...

I am coming to the end of my 22nd week of being pregnant with triplet girls. Our lives have changed so much since finding out we were pregnant, to finding out it was triplets, to finding out it was three girls and I am grateful and happy for the opportunity to continue to have our lives change over and over again. My husband and I have this inside joke where we say (very dramatically I might add) "I never thought it would happen". It did not arise from our struggles getting pregnant at all, but we have used it time and time again. Just in this instance when we say it, it's true. We never thought we would be here, never thought we would have made it these far, or have this wonderful opportunity. For us it is an opportunity. A true blessing (or three) from God. And not for one second do we take it for granted. We are two of the lucky ones. At this point in the pregnancy, the goal is 24 weeks. After 24 weeks the goal is 28 weeks. After 28 weeks the goal is 32 weeks. And it...

Have you ever asked yourself, "How did I get here?"? I actually never thought I would be in this situation. I had resigned myself to the fact that something would go horribly wrong. I haven't posted because I was using all of my strength to ensure that I stayed positive. It's sometimes more difficult to stay positive when you can write anything you want. I stayed positive. I prayed and went to church, something I wasn't inclined to do before this whole journey began. And now I have wonderful and exciting and terrible and scary news. All my fighting and praying and OCD obsession with the number 3 and here I am pregnant with triplets. 6w4d. All three had heartbeats. All three up on that screen and the doctor was not happy. The risks are great. The risks are so great that I had to make a specialist appointment immediately following the ultrasound. I ruined that moment for my husband. That moment where he could scream at the top of his lungs that this had fina...