...candice lost and found...

The period of time between growing as many follicles as possible and having as many beautiful embryos as allowed placed back inside is very much akin to banging one's head against the wall several times. What are you doing? When you are growing your follicles, you have doctor visits nearly every morning, blood is drawn, ultrasounds are completed, judging of the fellow waiting room inhabitants commences. For me this time around was much more relaxing. The nurses and office staff knew me by name, not because I am a pain (at least I don't think), but because, honestly, I think they have the toughest jobs in the world and I am extra sugary sweet nice to them. Think about it, they have to deal with women all day everyday, on top of that, the women are hormonally-crazed...it cannot be easy. But I digress... You are there nearly everyday with something to do. A purpose. For me it always made the day go faster because by the time I got to work I had so much catching up to do. It wa...

Is part of being on this Earth to question and understand all the things around you? I have never particularly believed in one religion over another. I was raised Catholic and completed my sacraments to date, but I would not say that I aligned myself with the Church. As a child, in CCD, they taught that you should love God above all others. It confused me terribly. How could I love God, whom I had never met, over my parents who I loved so deeply and truly? I asked my mother who tried to explain, and stated matter-of-factly, that I couldn't do that. It just wasn't possible for me to love anything more than I loved them. I had made a choice. As an adult, I still love my parents truly and deeply. They are cornerstones to my life and without them, I really do not know who or what I would be today. However, meeting my husband, I found a love that could not compete with the love that I feel for them. The way that I feel about Mike is not even something that I can describe in word...

On Tuesday, I started my second IVF cycle. Up until Tuesday, I felt pretty calm. I had been focusing my time and energy on getting healthy and exercising. I had stopped obsessing with infertility and the like, I haven't even blogged about it because there just didn't seem a point in drawing attention to the fact that I couldn't get pregnant. I felt calm and reserved. I felt ready to start a new cycle without feeling overwhelming dread, fear, unwittingly trying to not get my hopes up, but actually getting my hopes up (let's face it...if it doesn't work, it hurts, there is no way around it, no way to protect yourself). All that changed today. I went in for my second round of bloodwork and ultrasounds. I had taken meds for three days. I really didn't feel overwhelmed or nervous, I just felt like me. Then I got the call that my numbers didn't really increase and the nurse then said, "Don't worry, it's still very early." It's nearly imposs...