it all comes down to nothing

Maybe you have heard the saying that science can only go so far and then it is up to God. I have been reawakened spiritually lately and feel that that statement is rather important to my matters at hand.

Science is up against me. It is not my friend. Never has been, never will be.

When the doctor said you don't have a fertility problem, it's your husband, I was shocked. It had to be me. I mean in my life there has never been a time when it wasn't me. It seemed too good to be true, but I was elated. Our chances were much better because the problem didn't have to do with me.

I spoke too soon. I should have known better. Science is not my friend. I was first a miscarrier, then a poor responder, then a pre-menopausal 29 year old. Our odds went from 65% to less than 15% in a matter of months.

I started to become a health nut in between IVF cycles. I am doing a ton of nutritional things, but also walking. I walk a lot. It's a great stress relief and some quiet time just to me.

So I was walking the afternoon after hearing about our "odds" from the doctor. I was contemplating so many things. Donor eggs and adoption, but none of the options seem right for me right now. I just didn't feel ready to give up and at the same time didn't feel ready to keep going either. It was difficult. All of this and the cycle wasn't even over yet...I hadn't even had my retrieval.

So I'm walking and that saying, "Science can only go so far. After that it's God." popped into my head. How apropos? I told my husband the saying, leaving out the God because God doesn't sit so easy with him, I forget what I replaced it with, but I implied some greater being. He said you're right. They don't know everything.

Science isn't my friend. But odds, odds I can work with...especially if I got God on my side.

So I have hope and I dream. I name my children (there are potentially three inside right now, but I have only gotten around to dreaming about one...afterall I don't want to be greedy). I paint their bedroom and pick out clothes in my mind. It's a nice dream.

Dave Matthews sings, "It all comes down to nothing...we can't do a thing." I have my beta on Monday, but I've made it that far already. Still, I can hope and pray and dream some more. I have God on my side whichever way it goes. There is a reason for the journey.

It all comes down to nothing and there are miles to go before we sleep.