It's hard to believe that in about two short weeks, my precious baby girls will be one. At the start of this journey, I definitely did not picture this day. In fact, I'm certain I have said it before, I have hit a point in my life that I had never imagined. I am living a life that I did not have the ability or wherewithal to picture or dream. My life right now is better and more amazing than anything I could have conjured up.
In December, I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis (MS from here on out). I had always known that something was wrong, but did not have the definitive diagnosis until December 7. I reconfirmed today with a second opinion and got the ball rolling on treatment.
It has taken a lot for me to write any of this. It really has taken a lot for me to admit that I am afraid. I think of those three precious babies and I worry that I won't be the mom that they deserve because of something that I may not be able to avoid. I worry that I don't take good enough care of myself because I don't stop to look at the big picture all the time. I worry that I won't be able to actively participate in their growing up process the way that I want to.
I haven't really dealt with the diagnosis because I don't really feel like there is anything to "deal" with per se. I have worries and feelings but I can't control what happens and so I have really taken a kind of zen attitude about it.
When I think about the diagnosis, it often feels like a weight has been lifted. I now finally know what has been wrong for so long.
My husband said this morning that there is always something worse. And he is 100% right. I do not have cancer, I am not dying. I am Me. The same person I was yesterday. Nothing can really change that. My hope is that I don't lose myself in the diagnosis. That I remain Me.
There are a lot of things that I want to do before I leave this life. I plan on doing all of them.
“The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it.” - W. M. Lewis
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