Is part of being on this Earth to question and understand all the things around you? I have never particularly believed in one religion over another. I was raised Catholic and completed my sacraments to date, but I would not say that I aligned myself with the Church.
As a child, in CCD, they taught that you should love God above all others. It confused me terribly. How could I love God, whom I had never met, over my parents who I loved so deeply and truly? I asked my mother who tried to explain, and stated matter-of-factly, that I couldn't do that. It just wasn't possible for me to love anything more than I loved them. I had made a choice.
As an adult, I still love my parents truly and deeply. They are cornerstones to my life and without them, I really do not know who or what I would be today. However, meeting my husband, I found a love that could not compete with the love that I feel for them. The way that I feel about Mike is not even something that I can describe in words, only to say that I have never been as good a person as he makes me want to be. I sometimes feel as though my entire body will explode if I let it. The love I feel for my husband is powerful and can knock down walls. It is strong and can overcome obstacles that I didn't think were surmountable. It is and will always be my barometer for life. Without him, I think I would fade into nothingness. It is impossible to imagine a life that does not include him in it.
When I got pregnant the first time, I felt the love for a child. Something that I could not describe to you in words, only to say that I felt a peaceful, unconditional love that nothing could destroy. It was tranquil and untouched by the world. It was new and completely different from any other love I have felt. It was pure.
Doctors and nurses have said many things this week. It has been difficult. I have cried. I have cried in front of people. I have felt defeated. Most of all, I have been angry at God. I have asked myself a ton of questions, but have not prayed to Him directly or asked Him anything. I don't know if it is that I cannot bring myself to do it or if it is not something I am capable of doing. The relationship I have with Him is strained. And in a way, it always has been. We have differing opinions on things and sometimes it feels as though that isn't OK.
I am an incredibly spiritual person. I have a ton of ideas about how I should believe in God, and powers greater than myself. I am waiting for some kind of sign to show me how I should move forward, what my attitude should be, and I just can't seem to find it. There are so many variables.
I am looking for the right words to say to Him. I can't seem to find them. I can't seem to get to a place where I know how to approach this. Where I know exactly the right words to say. Exactly the right decision to make.
Joan Osbourne sang, "If God had a name, what would it be and would you call it to his face, if you were faced with him in all his glory? What would you ask if you had just one question?"
I think my question is why, but I am not sure I am supposed to know.
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