On Tuesday, I started my second IVF cycle. Up until Tuesday, I felt pretty calm. I had been focusing my time and energy on getting healthy and exercising. I had stopped obsessing with infertility and the like, I haven't even blogged about it because there just didn't seem a point in drawing attention to the fact that I couldn't get pregnant. I felt calm and reserved. I felt ready to start a new cycle without feeling overwhelming dread, fear, unwittingly trying to not get my hopes up, but actually getting my hopes up (let's face it...if it doesn't work, it hurts, there is no way around it, no way to protect yourself). All that changed today.
I went in for my second round of bloodwork and ultrasounds. I had taken meds for three days. I really didn't feel overwhelmed or nervous, I just felt like me. Then I got the call that my numbers didn't really increase and the nurse then said, "Don't worry, it's still very early." It's nearly impossible to tell a woman who is going through infertility treatments not to worry. Isn't that what this process is supposed to teach you, how to worry? And if you already know how, you are supposed to hone your skills. I'm working on my Ph.D.
So now I'm worried. Now I'm checking BabyCenter.com. I am posting and obsessively checking my email to see if someone has responded. (No one has.) It sounds crazy...it is crazy, but how do you control it? I don't think I will ever know.
I'm going off the rails on a crazy train...
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