infertility, miscarriages, and the kitchen sink

There's a song by Sublime, which I believe is a cover, but either way the lyrics are...I was always taught that boy meets girl, fall in love get married and forget the world. Nine months later, the sweet baby's on the way. Kiss 'em on the check and life's ok. I get these lyrics...they are exactly how I envisioned life to be. But hindsight is 20/20 and life isn't always what it seems and sometimes life isn't ok.

In November 2009, one year and one month after we had gotten married, Mike said, "So when do you want to start having kids?" This from man who had always said he didn't think he wanted any. I was flabbergasted. "Now," I said.

For days after I wondered and wondered if we should be having kids, if we would be good parents, if our lives would change. Basically, I scared the crap out of myself. I told him that he had said exactly what I wanted him to and it began to terrify me. It's that old adage, be careful what you wish for.

I moved on though. I got over the scared feeling and we began trying. Month after month after month after month and nothing. Since I am fraught with medical problems, I figured it has to be me and went to the doctor. It wasn't me, which in it of itself is something to celebrate, however, it meant that it was most likely Mike. It was Mike...

After being told by numerous doctors that we would never be able to conceive naturally, one told us we had a 1% chance, and with no funding for IVF, we just went back to living our lives.

That August I got pregnant. It came out of no where. I was so sure it was a joke, I took 7 pregnancy tests. The first test that I took, I Googled the image to see if it was indeed positive. We were sublimely happy.

Weeks passed and then I started bleeding. And just as quickly as it all happened, it was gone and there were no answers and nothing we could do about it.

Miscarriages suck. There is no getting around it. They are awful and horrible and not something I would wish on my worst enemy.

After our miscarriage, more doctors visits ensued. I was poked and prodded all over again.

We took some time off after this. We sold our house, bought a new one, lived with my parents for three months, then moved into our new house. And even though we were "taking off", I was hopefully. After all, it was when we took off, that I had gotten pregnant in the first place.

One day after we moved into our beautiful new home, we began the journey of IVF. 

The week that I started my injections we decided to redo the kitchen.

I had a cyst aspirated and looked at Lowe's for a back splash. I had a hormone induced meltdown and removed wallpaper (it was pink...blah!).

Besides the back splash, which I haven't be able to decide on, the kitchen is done and my egg retrieval isn't scheduled yet. Truthfully, I thought the kitchen would take longer.

Unless you have been through the rollercoaster of infertility you have absolutely no idea. Just like unless you have had a miscarriage you have no idea of the pain. It just isn't something that a person can empathize with unless they've been there.

So Mike and I are riding the coaster. It definitely has its ups and downs. I haven't thrown my arms up in the air and screamed yet...I'm saving it for the end.

1 comment:

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