sitting, waiting, wishing

Finding out you are pregnant is a bittersweet experience. It is, especially for someone like me who has been trying with little success, an amazing, giddy, highly exciting experience. You also start worrying. First you start reading about everything, will I miscarry, will I have a blood clot, could it be ectopic....and the list goes on. After a few days of this you realize that you will worry about this tiny little creature from now until the end of time. It doesn't stop. After you pass certain phases and get beyond certain risks, there will be new risks and new phases. It is an endless cycle that does not cease.

IVF is a different boat. You begin your worrying prior to even being told that you are expecting. There are the needles...are you doing them right? There are appointments...all girls sitting in the waiting room for the same thing...where do you rank up among them? You are sitting, waiting, wishing for someone to tell you, you are indeed pregnant so that you can begin to worry like all the other girls who didn't have to sit, and wait, and wish.

I am currently waiting to hear how my eggs are doing. Have they fertilized, when will I have my egg transfer, how many are left. It's slightly unbearable to see the clock count down and not know what is happening with them. I'm on edge.

When the nurse left me to wait for the anesthesiologist on Monday before my egg retrieval, I sat in a thin gown, with the back open and wished. I prayed to God that all of this would go well and result in a beautiful, healthy pregnancy and baby, or babies as the case may be. I then began to think how many girls sat in this very same spot and prayed for the same things. Were sitting and waiting and wishing for a baby. I wasn't the only one. I also thought that I tend to pray only when I need or want something and God probably frowns upon that. I apologized to God.

The egg retrieval yielded 10 eggs, but my estrogen levels were still low. Too low to be close to normal and the doctor told Mike he just didn't know how it was going to go. He told him he was very happy with the number of eggs.

Those words don't leave you with a good feeling. They leave you with the same feeling you always have when going through IVF...I hope I beat the odds, I hope it all works out, I hope we get pregnant this time. IVF is all about hope, and sitting, waiting, wishing.

Jack Johnson sang, "Cause waiting on love ain't so easy to do." Sitting, waiting, wishing, hoping...it ain't so easy to do.

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